Category: Epic Crap

All Cheerleaders Die

Editor’s Note: The following statement from Jim was written at the top of the email I received. I had to review it. I was compelled by beings made of pure light, to warn the Earth, so that others might not. At the time, I feared this movie may have broken him. I leave it for…

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The Yellow Wallpaper

DISCLAIMER: If you haven’t read The Yellow Wallpaper, stop and go read it now. Seriously. I’ll wait: http://www.gutenberg.org/files/1952/1952-h/1952-h.htm IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790788/ Starring: The father from Troll and the woman who gets hexed by the Witches of Eastwick. (Arlo Givens from Justified has a cameo.) Review: It’s been a while since I’ve hated a movie enough…

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Bad Girl Island

IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1031276/ Starring: Antonio Sabato Jr., James Brolin, AnnaLynne McCord Review in a nutshell: Jaded and down-on-his-inspiration film writer gets a special delivery from a magic dolphin in the form of a hot crazy woman who rocks his world. Except she doesn’t. And then she does. And then people start dying. Except it’s a…

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Cosmopolis

IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1480656/ Starring: Robert “I Sparkle” Pattinson Review in a nutshell: This movie is…odd. Odd can sometimes be good. This time it was not. It is also really boring porn. Seriously. This guy has sex so many times in his 100ish minutes of screen time I was staring to wonder if Cronenburg had hired…

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YellowBrickRoad

IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1398428/ Starring: Nobody of interest, except maybe the chick who was in Smallville. Review in a nutshell: Don’t. Just. Don’t. Here’s a quick summary if you don’t believe me. A bunch of hipsters go for a hike in the forest and a few days in really loud big band music starts playing and…

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Iron Sky

IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1034314/ Starring: Udo Kier and no one I’ve ever heard of Review in a nutshell: I put way too much stock in the preview for this movie. I was expecting an over the top action movie with a kick ass sound track. I got… Ice Pirates. Except that’s an insult to Ice Pirates….

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The Keep

IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085780/ Starring: Scott Glen, Jürgen Prochnow, Gabriel Byrne, & Ian McKellen (oh and Robert Prosky who I promise you’ll recognize) Review in a nutshell: The following is my running commentary on Facebook as I watched this. This appears to be a Nazi occult movie. Ian McKellen is in this???? Omg, the Tangerine Dream…

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The Devil’s Tomb

IMDB Link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1147687/ Starring: Cuba Gooding Jr., Ron Perlman, Ray Winstone, Henry Rollins, Bill Mosely Review in a nutshell: It’s about a tomb with the devil in it, and it makes people turn into gooey zombies. Sometimes those zombies are lesbians and they make out. Where did you find it?: Netflix Points of Interest: Henry…

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