Category: Total Crap

Awaken

IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3367686/ Starring: Teen John Connor, Big Chris, the lead singer of The Cruisers & DARYL FUCKING HANNAH Review: This movie is just like Frozen. IF the run away sister in Frozen exchanged her power to control ice and snow for control of an illegal organ harvesting enterprise. But the lesson is the same…

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The Factory

DISCLAIMER: I had a hard time rating this movie. I settled on “Total Crap” instead of “Epic Crap” because I’d actually be willing to watch some of the “epic crap” movies again for their comedic value. or at least watch OTHER people watch them and laugh at their reactions. IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1132285/ Starring: Lane Meyer…

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Rise Of The Zombies

DISCLAIMER: Our first Guest Post! IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2236182/ Starring: LeVar Burton, Danny Trejo, Mariel Hemmingway, French Stewart, No one else of any import Review in a nutshell: Actors are people, too. They gotta eat. Ask Jenn. I love bad movies. I mean, I really, really love bad movies. This movie was so bad, it was…

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Madhouse

IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0363276/ Starring: Starring Lance Henriksen, the first victim from The Blair Witch Project, and Francis from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure Review in a nutshell: Ok, so this movie had a few interesting moments set in an incredibly overdone premise. New doctor arrives at an asylum and people start getting murdered. He starts talking to…

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Exit Humanity

IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1781812/ Starring: Brian Cox’s voice and Bill Mosely Review in a nutshell: This period piece zombie movie was a train wreck. Bad science, bad acting, bad history, bad animation to save on special effects and makeup, bad makeup that washes off when zombies are in water… I wasn’t sure what to expect when…

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Beneath Loch Ness

Alternate Title: The Evil Beneath Loch Ness IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0256155/ Starring: Patrick Bergen, an Irishman, who has actually been in some good movies, and the guy who plays Tank Girl’s boyfriend who gets shot up at the beginning of the movie. Review in a nutshell: The only thing about this movie that is based on…

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Dragon Fighter

IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0312640/ Starring: Superboy, Dean Cain Review in a nutshell: This movie was so bad I’m not bothering with a review. Here are my notes from while I sat through this shit. Another dragon that burns shit down but doesn’t eat people? ugh Let’s shoot flaming arrows at the dragon. That will surely work….

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The Rig

IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1093906/ Starring: William Forsythe (you’ll know him when you see him), ArtLaFleur (him too) and a Sean Bean wannabe Review in a nutshell: This is a movie about brotherly love. It is also a movie with a moral. And that moral is WORK BOOTY IS BAD BOOTY! And no, sleeping with a coworker…

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Half Light

IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0412798/ Starring: Demi Moore, James Cosmo (again!) and a ton of authentic British accents Review in a nutshell: Here’s the good news. Demi Moore is playing an AMERICAN author and I wasn’t stuck listening to her terrible accent the whole time. The bad news is that this is a slow predictable movie that’s…

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The Girl from the Naked Eye

IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1079360/ Starring: A bunch of martial artists, stunt men and extras. Review in a nutshell: I couldn’t make myself focus on this Sin City rip off for more than 5 minutes at a time without getting annoyed. It was just too slow and I didn’t find it visually interesting AT ALL. Perhaps because…

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