Bad Girl Island

IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1031276/

Starring: Antonio Sabato Jr., James Brolin, AnnaLynne McCord

Review in a nutshell: Jaded and down-on-his-inspiration film writer gets a special delivery from a magic dolphin in the form of a hot crazy woman who rocks his world. Except she doesn’t. And then she does. And then people start dying. Except it’s a movie. Only it’s not.

Finally, I have a movie worth of a rating that goes beyond the depths of any of the ratings here. If I have to rate this, it’s Epic Crap, except I wouldn’t watch it again. This movie is UTTER crap. Let’s begin at the beginning.

We open on an idly rich man in the Caribbean at some kind of half-hotel-half-luxury-condo (complete with obligatory Voudonista Maid) who gets a delivery of an incredibly hot woman in diaphanous white gown from a magic dolphin. He takes her back to his bedroom (which is right off the water, natch), and calls the doctor and the police while the maid starts going on about how the woman is obviously a witch and ought to be thrown back to the fishes (cue millions of irate viewers shouting “Dolphins aren’t fish!” Yeah, well, they aren’t Dolphins, either. A Dolphin is a fish otherwise known as Mahi Mahi. We’re talking about Porpoises. Anyway.). So, the police and the doctor show up, find the woman naked in bed (Hey, he had to get her out of those wet things, right?), and then – after verifying that hey, she’s alive and all, they just leave her there. Because that’s what you do when a comatose woman with no ID is FedEx’d to you by a Bottlenose, right?

As the movie unfolds, we see that the woman, who shall come to be called “Morning,” is straight up out to seduce the writer. And she does so! Semi-graphically! Except she doesn’t, because he wakes up right after a crazy “I’m on a boat!” scene in which he watches her get it on with his supposed best friend, to see his wife standing over him in their bedroom saying that he needs to stop staying up for days on end trying to write his new movie. Yes, he’s a writer! We now have that fully established! And it turns out now, after this crazy messed up dream (that takes up the first 30 minutes of the film), he’s got an idea! He’s going to write a movie! About a woman! With magic powers! And she’d delivered by dolphins!

The rest of the movie feels like four different movies rolled into one. There’s the mystery of why his best friend’s boat shows up with all hands missing, decks covered in blood, and with “For Crimes Against The Sea” written in blood on sheets hung on all four sides of the boat. There’s the mystery of who the woman is, because even though she was in the dream, she’s also in the real world, landing a starring role in his movie. There’s the mystery of why so many people keep telling him that he’s one of them! He’s one of the murderers! (Except he isn’t, although apparently everyone else in the movie is) There’s the mystery of how I managed to keep my sanity through this movie. Hell, at one point, the police find a video of his best friend having crazy “Ooh, look, she’s wearing a mask!” sex with some woman on the boat, and they keep asking Writer Boy if he recognizes the woman, to which he repeatedly says “No, never seen her before,” only surprise! It’s his under age daughter in the weird mask that the Crazy Dolphin Lady was wearing in his dream.

Somewhere in there, this movie becomes some kind of supernatural thriller and morality play about the plight of Haitian refugees attempting to flee the oppression and dismal existence of their homeland. I’m not kidding.

Where I found it: Netflix. Damn their eyes. Damn them to the pits of hell.

How much I paid for it: 90 minutes of unbelievably disjointed, non-euclidean time. I awoke on an island in the South Pacific, staring at a temple to unnamed gods from a forgotten age.

Points of interest: The weird, crazy-lady sex scenes, for being as graphic as they are, somehow manage to show absolutely nothing in terms of naughty bits. I’m still not sure how they managed that.

The Money Shot: I’m sad to say there isn’t one. I mean, really. There is not one shot in this movie that makes it worth it. Not the strangely non-explicit soft core sex scenes that really want to be hard core, not the weird freaky dream sequences, nothing. It’s almost like the movie didn’t really happen. Which, on reflection, would have been so much better.