IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1093906/
Starring: William Forsythe (you’ll know him when you see him), ArtLaFleur (him too) and a Sean Bean wannabe
Review in a nutshell: This is a movie about brotherly love. It is also a movie with a moral. And that moral is WORK BOOTY IS BAD BOOTY! And no, sleeping with a coworker IN the office won’t actually get you ripped to shreds by a purple people eater. (More on that in a minute.) However, you might wish that was the case when you have to walk by your ex every day as they send sext to their new SO and make kissy noises over their phone. But I digress.
This Leviathan rip-off did in fact have a two eyed scaled purple people eater full of glowing purple ooze. That burned real good. But that information was not very useful to the ex-navy seal carrying the upside down lamp (with bulb, no shade) for self defense. Our two heroes “Big Brother” and “Emo Boyfriend” arm themselves with the rod from a Foosball court (sans players) and a metal chair leg…. this movie would have gone from Total Crap to Mostly Crap in my eyes if they’d been carrying the whole folding chair. Did I mention this movie takes place on an oil rig? Yeah, THESE were the best weapons they could think of. Eventually, Emo Boyfriend sacrifices himself for Token Female, and she is saved by the rescue team in the morning.
Now, NORMALLY the movie ends here. Emo Survivor Girl gets into helicopter => Roll credits. Not this time. This movie goes on for another 30 minutes or so. Because The Big Boss and Little Brother come back to investigate. While wandering around they see lots of blood, find the unconscious Big Brother everyone thought was dead and kill the monster. Big Boss ties up any of the boring plot points you’ve forgotten from the beginning of the movie with the final line: That’s for my brother. (Little Boss was eaten at a dramatically appropriate moment early on.)
Where I found it: Netflix
How much I paid for it: 90 minutes of giggling
Points of interest: The monster is mostly poorly lit, but I felt like they were using a Sleestak costume leftover from The Land of the Lost
The Money Shot: So, this movie’s Vasquez is following a noise she heard on a lower level (armed with a fire extinquisher). The kid standing watch with her starts giving her crap for following the noise and splitting up. So agrees with him and heads back up the stairs. The kid says “That’s right, when you hear a noise you run away from it..” And gets wiped out from the left and has to be saved by Vasquez.
Pvt J. Vasquez from Aliens
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